Tuesday, May 29, 2012

True Confessions: The TSP Book Club

 Okay, it's time for the weekly check-in.
We're reading Julia Cameron's, "The Artist's Way"
over at TweetSpeak Poetry,
under the fearless leadership of Lyla Lindquist.
then you already know that I am
a Rebellious Resistor
to this methodology.
Which, I am told - as I read further this week -
is actually to be expected as one tries to
free one's inner artist.

So much for originality.

 I am still resisting the Morning Pages part of this experience,
or as I referred to them last week, 'the dang pages.'
I believe I did them exactly once. 

I am totally embracing the Artist's Date concept.
I think  you might even say I've gone a bit overboard
in that department.
The floral pictures in this post were taken during the second
(or was it the third?) daytime treat experience of
the week just past. They were taken at a local garden,
a wondrous place called "Seaside Gardens," 
where our kids had given their dad a gift certificate for his birthday.
Oh my, did that light my inner creative fires!
(Or course, I had to break the rules a little - 
I didn't  go alone.) 

I did, however, take myself out to eat at a favorite restaurant,
with my book in hand.

AND I squeezed in a visit to a grandson's kindergarten
play, where he played the role of:
The Big Bad Wolf
The Three Piggy Opera.
(here he is rubbing his hands together gleefully while
singing, "I wanna big, fat pig to eat...")
 The scary thing for me in all this is -
I am beginning to see a pattern.
A life-long pattern.
And it's nowhere near as pretty as the one
that showed up in this Norfolk Pine at the Seaside Gardens.
No, it's not pretty. At.All.
I'm beginning to see this thread,
a twisty, unattractive thread
that weaves through a lot of my life.
And it goes like this:

I get scared of something or someone 
who threatens me in some way.
Or...I get tired/frustrated/overwhelmed
by expectations - mine and/or others.

Step Two? 
I get angry inside.
Pitiful, really.
Sort of carpy, cranky, testy,
defensive, self-righteous,
You get the picture.
Not a lovely one, is it?

And thirdly? I try to hide what I'm feeling
or what I'm frightened about.

And you want to know how I've done that for most of my life?
By eating too much.
By covering myself in layers of insulation.
By hiding all the fear and all the anger
beneath a protective covering. 
(Did you notice that I went out to eat for my Artist's Date?
And that my grandson was singing about eating??
I jest...but only a little.) 

I've had some success in the last year or two with 
shedding pieces of that covering.
But I gotta say,
this book is bringing out the worst in me.
How childish is that??

I mean, really.
What have I got to be angry or defensive about?
She asked us to make a list of favorite things we like to do
and then to write down when we did them last.
And almost all of them I've done in the last week,
3 or 4 of them as I was making the list!

And my 'Life Pie,' which one of our chapters this week 
asked us to draw?
Aside from confirming the fact 
that I cannot draw a pie to save my life,
my six areas are in pretty decent balance.

And the list of 10 small changes we'd like to make
in our lives?
Perhaps this says it all:
Item number 10 on my list?
"I would like to wring Julia's neck."

I wish I could report that I'm making great progress,
leaps and bounds kind of progress,
in letting go of this resistance.
But as you can see,
I'm not leaping and bounding anywhere,
except perhaps straight into the Slough of Despond.

One tiny ray of light, of hope this week?
I did enjoy writing down 5 childhood characteristics
that I like about myself.
I share this with you very hesitantly, however,
 as it probably tells you more about me
than I really want you to know.
But here they are:

1. Inquisitive
2. Bossy 
(bossy? who puts bossy on their list?)
3. Responsible
4. Lighthearted
5. A voracious reader 

Truly, dear reader, do you think there is any hope for me?

Joining once again with the gang over at Tweetspeak, hoping they will not give up on me just yet.
You can check out the other posts in this collection by going here:
ts book club no border